I Am A Single, Imperfect Christian

I Am A Single, Imperfect Christian

Image // Pixabay

“Long time, no see,” said one of my brothers in the Young Adult Ministry when I finally showed up at church last Sunday. “I’m sorry,” I looked at him, “I lost…myself.” He met my eyes and firmly shook my hand. “He just brought you back,” he said smiling, “you’ll be blessed.”

I’ve been struggling lately…with a lot of things.

  • I’ve been struggling to unlearn my bad habits.
  • I’ve been struggling not to drink coffee.
  • I’ve been struggling to be a patient teammate.
  • I’ve been struggling to reach the finish line.
  • I’ve been struggling to love.
  • I’ve been struggling to be human.
  • I’ve been struggling to wait.
  • I’ve been struggling to wake up everyday.
  • I’ve been struggling to live.
  • I’ve been struggling to find my words.
  • I’ve been struggling to write my thoughts.
  • I’ve been struggling to be just who I am.
  • I’ve been struggling to say one thing and do the same thing.
  • I’ve been struggling not to be a hypocrite.
  • I’ve been struggling to be entirely honest with myself.
  • I’ve been struggling to fix my eyes on my goals.
  • I’ve been struggling to be brave and strong.
  • I’ve been struggling to see my purpose in everything that I do.
  • I’ve been struggling not to look back.
  • I’ve been struggling to continue celebrating my broken heart.
  • I’ve been struggling to comprehend the scriptures.
  • I’ve been struggling to be still and know that He is God.
  • I’ve been struggling to give thanks with a grateful heart.
  • I’ve been struggling to let go and let Him have His way on me.
  • I’ve been struggling to feel God.
  • I’ve been struggling to dwell in His presence.
  • I’ve been struggling to see my wholeness in Him.
  • I’ve been struggling to believe in miracles.
  • I’ve been struggling to converse with God.
  • I’ve been struggling to utter my prayers.
  • I’ve been struggling to see beauty.
  • I’ve been struggling to look up to a perfect God.
  • I’ve been struggling to ignore the worldliness around me.
  • I’ve been struggling not to be part of it.

This world is going to hell. I am part of it.

I feel that pieces of me are scattered all over and when I try to pick them up, they just don’t fit in the whole puzzle. I feel that I’m slowly disintegrating, while my faith is progressively evolving.

It is a tough battle to always choose and side with your faith, to believe in something you don’t really see, to trust that Someone is orchestrating the plans for you behind the scenes. It is a real struggle to spell F-A-I-T-H when everything seems to be falling out of their places, when everything turns against you.

Two weeks ago, the Red Cross doctor did not allow me to donate blood because my blood pressure showed a diastolic reading of 140 mmHg. That was the first time it happened to me and I was shocked. I have always felt healthy. She saw my eagerness to voluntarily donate and was very sorry for me. “You’re too anxious, you’re heart’s at risk,” she said, “you need to relax.”

So, there was something seriously wrong about me. It was my heart. It has always been my heart.

When I woke up this afternoon, I found myself staring blankly at the ceiling, trying to figure out what to do with my life. My mind was spinning and the next thing that happened was always so predictable of me.

I cried again.

I poured those salty tears that’s been dimming my vision for quite a while now. I cried my heart out loud and raised my silent voice heavenward. I told God that I was very tired. I begged Him to stop calling me, to stop pursuing me because I just couldn’t stand it. I couldn’t do it. I was giving up.

I cursed God. I released my pent up anger.

In between sobs, I voiced it all out. I read to Him the list of all the struggles that have been hurting me since I started walking with Him.

God was very quiet, patiently listening to the lamentations of the wrecked soul. Then, finally he spoke. He asked me who I was and what my name was.

“Okay, that’s all I need to hear,” said God, “now you take a rest and I’ll take over from here.”

My tears dried away. I was shaking my head, bewildered, “God, what are you talking about?”

He answered, “Son, you’ve just given yourself a brand new name and I’m very delighted, especially when you spelt it correctly.”

S-U-R-R-E-N-D-E-R.

Amidst all these struggles, all that God wanted me to do was to stop and surrender so He could fight my battles. He let me realized that even in the most coward act of surrender, there is courage and victory because He will always be fighting for us (Exodus 14:14).

The battles begin with ourselves, but they are ultimately won by God.

19 Comments on I Am A Single, Imperfect Christian

  1. It’s nice to reread this. The message still holds true. Hope you’re stronger and better now. 🙂

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  2. When I confessed to a priest about my ramblings on my Catholic beliefs (after watching Kingdom of Heaven) he told me that I lack the trust to our Lord in my personal life and difficulties. He nailed it. He was right. Then I prayed hard and entrust to Him everything in my life, and so many changes has been happening so far. I recently discovered new hobbies-
    outdoor adventure, hiking, and running! And my Papa passed away last May 26… So many changes that I may have not surpassed if the “awakening” that I lacked trust to God has not took place.

    Like

    • Wow, thanks so much for sharing this wonderful testimony about the goodness that God has brought into your life. I’m amazed! So sorry to hear about the passing away of your father; please accept my condolences.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Surrender is the word God has also placed in my heart as well. The first post on my blog actually talks about that. Great post, thank you for sharing the real raw struggle.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for letting me know that I’m not alone in this struggle! It’s a testament that we can offer hope and encouragement to others even through our brokenness. God has really a purpose for everything that He allows to happen in our lives. I’m blessed to know you!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Drinking coffee with God is wonderful. I can identify with much of your post
    I want to share a song I recently listened to cleansed my heart, I bawled for hours listening to it over and over for days…maybe it will help you too.

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  5. Reblogged this on P.S.A. and commented:
    Me too.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. My quiet time verse this morning talked about being thankful in the middle of my affliction (not for) so that I may learn of God’s statutes (Psalm 119:71). How humbling it is that we can come Him in the midst of our struggles.

    Liked by 1 person

    • We have the tendency to turn away from Him when we are struggling, but He wants us to come to Him first and seek His purpose behind every circumstance that befalls us. He won’t give us what we can’t bear.

      Thanks Karl for visiting my blog again!

      Like

  7. I don’t have a list of struggles that is as lengthy as yours in this post. However, mine’s like a shortlist on a vicious delete-retype mode. If it was on paper, I’d have a loooong line of crumpled paper-filled trash bins.

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  8. that is a long list take it easy friend 🙂

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  9. Powerful! I remember one of the revelation God gave me is… “The key to conquer is to surrender. Whatever areas in your life that you cannot surrender to God, then you cannot conquer it.”

    God bless Sir Jays! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I can identify with most of your struggles, especially this:

    I’ve been struggling to feel God.

    I get overwhelmed sometimes with the battles I face and then one day, while I was on my way to work, the tears that I have been trying to hold back just fell while I’m on public transport. (You can imagine the stares of my fellow passengers, it’s crazy!).

    Then here’s the word I’ve received from the Lord after that humiliating but freeing experience:

    When all the Israelites saw the fire coming down and the glory of the Lord above the temple, they knelt on the pavement with their faces to the ground, and they worshiped and gave thanks to the Lord, saying,

    “He is good; his love endures forever.”

    – 2 Chronicles 7:9, NIV

    Thousands of years ago, the Israelites were blessed enough to witness God’s glorious and grand manifestation (2 Chronicles 7:9). They responded by worshiping Him and giving thanks.

    Since I’ve accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior, I never saw any elaborate and grand manifestation of His presence as His people worshiped Him (or as I walk in my daily life). With that said, I realized that there will be days when we’ll go through our daily lives and we won’t feel God’s presence or anything related to Him. Sometimes, during worship, people around us worship and we’ll stand there in the middle of it all wondering if God is really in our midst. After the service, we walk out of the church thinking whether God is really with us wherever we go because if He is, we’re not feeling it. We pray and ask Him to manifest in our lives but we feel like our prayers are falling to deaf ears because “nothing is happening”.

    Often we want God to answer us in grand ways that we fail to notice how He’s working in our lives in the little ways. We’re not being sensitive to the little changes that are happening in us and in our environment so we miss the opportunity to thank Him.

    So today and the next Sunday that we’ll go to church, let’s not go there wanting to feel things. Let’s go there thanking and worshiping Him for His goodness, enduring love, and unmatched faithfulness and grace. Then let’s walk out believing that He is at work in us and He’ll be faithful to finish what He has started until the day of the Lord Jesus Christ.

    Why? Because it’s never been about feeling things. It’s always been about walking by faith.

    I miss you, my dearest brother. Hang in there.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. The struggle is real.

    Believe me that though you feel like you’re okay, there will be days that you will be overwhelmed and the tears will just fall. But that’s fine. It’s all part of the process.

    Surrender is hard but liberating.

    Liked by 1 person

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